Nyai.

Not a wedding related post. Gonna be a long post.

I woke up yesterday with a heavy heart. It was the day we had to bury my Nyai.

My Nyai- Hj Absah Binte Md Yousof passed away on 17/11/2011 at 2340 hours. After years of suffering from different ailments, she returned back to Allah SWT. I will never forget her last moments, surrounded by her loved ones.

Almost 7 years ago, my Yayi left us. I never got to say my last goodbye because he left suddenly. He was bedridden for a few years and he left us. It was a bittersweet feeling as we couldn't bear to see him suffering anymore. I promised myself I will not leave my Nyai's side and I wanted to be there during her last moment. I got my wish.

She was admitted to the hospital on 9/11/2011. Dr informed us that her high blood pressure caused her vessels in her brain to burst. She suffered a stroke and couldn't move the left side of her body. When I visited her that day, she could still respond and being the strong willed woman that she was, she kept gesturing for us to take out the wires and tried to tell us that she wanted to go home. I told her that she had to hang on and get well soon. Prior to her hospitalisation, she wanted to go to my youngest aunty's new house so badly and even packed her bags. Guess they were signs of her impending departure. We didn't know, we were just too oblivious to such hints. My subsequent visits to the hospital made me an emotional wreck, it was just too difficult to see her wired up, breathing through the oxygen machine and looking frail.

She was transferred to a normal ward and I thought that there could be hope for her recovery- she was responding after all. On 16/11/2011at 1920 hours while gallivanting with my Fiance at Tampines, I got a call from dad. I get really scared whenever I get calls from dad (cos his calls usually carry bad news) and he told me something that I didn't wish to hear.

"Come to the hospital quick, Nyai is critically ill. Her remaining lung collapsed, come now."

Both of us wasted no time. When we got there, she was weak and was told it was a matter of time. I was hoping that the doctors were wrong. I didn't report for work the next day- it was the last thing on my mind. I didn't want to go home too, I was scared that she will leave when I'm not there. I wanted to be there.

 I slept at 5am and at 9am, my brother knocked on my door and told me to wake up as Nyai was already having difficulty breathing. I kept praying to Him not to take her, I wanted to see her and I needed to see her. I spent the whole day at the hospital with my family members keeping vigil at her bedside, reciting Quran verses. It was depressing. I looked around the ward and all I see were old people looking frail and suffering so much.

At 1900 hrs, we were told that everything had been done and it was only a matter of time. We were told- 2 hours was the minimum time and the latest was 2 days. She was surviving solely on the oxygen that was administered to her. It was as good as life support. I didn't even want to go for a smoke break with my cousins as I was scared she would leave when I'm not around. My Fiance visited her and kept vigil by her bedside too. I can never thank him enough. We went down for a smoke break and to send him off back to work. When I came up to her ward, I sat down next to her and held her hands. Usually I have problems with showing too much emotions but thought that this may be the last time and I didn't care what other people thought. Told her that if she must go, she should and the family will be fine. It was painful for us to see her suffering like that. My father came and recited verses into her ears, I updated my Twitter and FB (haha, sempat, I know) and a few minutes after that her breathing started slowing down and she passed on. I ran for my mother and nurses. I was hoping maybe they could perform CPR and bring her back, maybe her pulse was still there but she left. My Nyai left.

Oddly, I was calm and composed. I specifically told my dad that I wanted to do her death certificate as I had access to the system. That was my last favour for her. When I was doing her death certificate and had to punch a hole into the IC, it hit me that she was...gone. I register a lot of death certificate in the course of my work but I never thought, I would have to do my own Nyai's death certificate. :'(

Yesterday after Solat Jumaat, we sent her off. Women were actually not allowed to follow to to cemetery but I didn't care. I wanted to send her off. I wanted to say my last goodbye to her. I'm glad she stopped suffering and passed away easily but I miss her terribly. It is said that her Roh will still be in the house, watching us. I know she's watching me too. I might not be the best grand daughter. I didn't visit her often but she never failed to ask about my well being. She took care of me and 3 other cousins when we were young. My late Nyai was a very hospitable woman, very joyful too. Sometimes my mom will tell me that I remind her of my late Nyai. I am glad that she was there for my engagement. She kept saying that she might not live long enough to see me married but I always assured her that she will. :'(

I will miss her talking on the phone, sitting in the kitchen, repeatedly asking me to drink and eat some snacks and always giving me Hacks. There are a lot of things that I will miss. Honestly, I still can't believe that she left us. We love her but Allah loves her more. I'm glad that my Yayi & Nyai can be together now.

She was married to my Yayi for years and had 8 children. I am glad the children fulfilled their duties and responsibilities. I pray that one day I will be able to carry out those duties and responsibilities for my parents too.

I look at my Fiance and pray that our love will be like my grandparents'. They were always together and now they're reunited in the hereafter.  I love both of you and I will never forget the both of you. Nyai & Yayi, semoga dosa dosa diampunkan dan semoga ditempatkan dengan insan insan yang dirahmati.

Al-fatehah.